this

could maintain a starting point: when I had to go to "kindergarten" they forced me to join the boys section. I was desperate to join the girls playgroup. I used to hang out with Sieglinde, my first girlfriend - play children's games, cruise our neighbourhood, discover our bodies. She was blonde, cute and angelic. We were together every day. I "loved" her, she "loved" me. We lived a perfect little symbiosis. I liked her very much. And, as she represented the gender-category "girl", it was only natural for me to go to the girls group on my first day at "kindergarden". But stuff didn't allow it. Mixed gender groups were absolutely taboo in those days. What a drag! For the first time in my life I felt completely devastated.....feeling abandonned and lonely in the midst of my moronic smiling boys peer group. top

cunnilingus

was not known to me till some older guys from my football team showed me a couple of porn magazines. Left alone with the copulating models in the sex mags, full with impressive zooms of larger-than-life-vulvas explicitly demonstrating - I do remember exactly - brownish wrinkeled lips I again experienced the cold beat of loneliness. Don't ask me why. Freud couldn't explain nor could C.G. Jung. They didn't deal with the porn industry. My teachers in school failed to explain the impact of powerful visuals, how desires can trigger your mind/body/soul. Nor was I familiar with carnal pleasure till my first girlfriend - a sweet brunette of 17 - introduced me to myriads of heavenly but depressing comings: postcoital loneliness... top

suicide

would be a nice solution, I thought, when my first girlfriend, yes the sweet brunette, left me in exchange for a creepy wanker (sorry mate, but I know what I'm talking about). I felt so lonely, word's cannot describe. It was kind of catatonic loneliness. Nothing made sense for me anymore. Days bleak, nights bleak. Deadman walking. I could stare to a wall in my room for hours. No movement. Frightened. Total rejection. Spinning in the deep black hole. I began to hate couples. I couldn't stand happy people. One day a friend draged me to a gig. Well there I stood, lost in the crowd, a pale face expressing my disgust with everything around me. A nice girl approached me. Apparently she was curious why on earth I made such a terrible face. She saved me temporarily. We fell in love. top

tracks

and tunes were all we had in mind, when we played in a band. igor, frank, barbara, andrea, alex, me. we managed to tour a couple of german and austrian clubs. hamburg, berlin, vienna... cruising through fucking east germany (the berlin wall was still intact) in damp, cold and misty weather I felt so lonely, isolated and depressed....for me it was just horriblein our tourbus. But nothing was really wrong. We joked, smoked, drank, kissed, ate, sung, laughed, videocamed....for fucks sake: why did I feel so lonely? when we played "blockShock" in berlin (god what a gothic place) sabine, a german girl I knew, joined us and we (her and me) spent some nice days&nights in berlin and hamburg. but my loneliness didn't vanish. sabine couldn't save me. I still remember one of our hooklines: can you hear/can you hear/can you her the rain... top

to be continued............